It
can very often be difficult to say no to people who make demands of us, and if
we say no, we can get caught up in self-critical thoughts leading us to feel
guilty. To avoid feeling guilty, we just keep on saying “yes” to every request.
Someone asks us to do something:
We can
learn ways of saying “No” that don’t lead us to think self-critically or feel
guilty. For example:
I’m sorry but
I really can’t take on anything else at the moment.
I’m
quite busy right now. Perhaps another time.
I’d
like to help you out, but I just don’t feel up to it at the moment.
Thank you for asking me. You’re a nice person,
but I don’t want to go out with you
I don’t need
a new roof (double glazing, vacuum cleaner etc). I’m happy with what I have
thank you.
If the
person seems to have trouble accepting your “No”, then just keep repeating
yourself, over and over if necessary. You might have to add the word “No” to
the beginning of those statements, perhaps with some emphasis on that word. For
example:
No.
I’m sorry but I really can’t at the moment.
Be wary
of those self-critical thoughts afterwards. Practice challenging and/or
dismissing them, by telling yourself:
I
explained to them why I couldn’t do it
It’s
not my responsibility
It
would only end up upsetting me if I agreed to it – this is best for me. If I
feel less tired and not resentful, then I might be a better position to help
them out next time
They’re
just thoughts – I don’t need to pay them any attention (then put your focus of
attention on something else)
Telling
others what we want
When we
want something, we use all sorts of messages to try to let others know, such as
hints, expressions and gestures, hidden meanings in what we say.
But the
only way to ensure that someone has really understood what you want, is to be
clear in what you say:
vI’d like you to give me a
hug
vI want to be your friend,
but not your girlfriend
vI want to talk to
someone…
vI’d like to leave now
It may
not always be possible to get what we want or feel we need, perhaps because that
would impact on other people. Having said what you’d like, then we need to
consider the response according to the rights of the other person too. It’s
often possible to compromise, which can respect the rights of all those
involved:
