Passive

Assertive

Aggressive

General

Compliant, submissive, talks little, vague non-committal communication, puts self down, praises others

“I don’t mind…that’s fine….yes alright”

Actions and expressions fit with words spoken, firm but polite and clear messages, respectful of self and others

“That’s a good idea, and how about if we did this too…” or “I can see that, but I’d really like...”

Sarcastic, harsh, always right, superior, know it all, interrupts, talks over others, critical, put-downs, patronising, disrespectful of others

“This is what we’re doing, if you don’t like it, tough”

Beliefs

You’re okay, I’m not

 Has no opinion other than that the other person/s are always more important, so it doesn’t matter what they think anyway

I’m okay, you’re okay

 Believes or acts as if all the individuals involved are equal, each deserving of respect, and no more entitled than the other to have things done their way

I’m okay, you’re not

 Believe they are entitled to have things done their way, the way they want it to be done, because they are right, and others (and their needs) are less important

Eyes

Avoids eye contact, looks down, teary, pleading

Warm, welcoming, friendly, comfortable eye contact

Narrow, emotion-less, staring, expressionless

Posture

Makes body smaller – stooped, leaning, hunched shoulders

Relaxed, open, welcoming

Makes body bigger – upright, head high, shoulders out, hands on hips, feet apart

Hands

Together, fidgety, clammy

Open, friendly and appropriate gestures

Pointing fingers, making fists, clenched, hands on hips

Consequences

Give in to others, don’t get what we want or need, self-critical thoughts, miserable

Good relationships with others, happy with outcome and to compromise

Make enemies, upset others and self, feel angry and resentful